Ordered a 28mm lens for my Minolta today. I hope that was a good decision. It feels almost silly because I still haven't replaced the digital's lens and I'm spending on film and lenses and paper for an old camera. I'm trying not to feel like such a waste of space and time and person. But it is so hard when I read and hear people be successful at life with seemingly so little effort. I feel like I've said that before. I don't know what I'm doing but I do know that I'm stretching myself because I'm doing things that cause me fear but that I really want to do. And for now that is good enough.
Yesterday I developed my first roll of film for class. The reason I gave been avoiding this class-panic attacks due to blackened closet must put undeveloped film in tank in and dark room-no windows and can door exit. Both presented themselves loud and clear yesterday. Luckily it was just me and friend from work and dark room attendant to witness this. I forgot to take lorazepam before going so hopefully it will help if I take That before class Wednesday. And hopefully preempting and going through the motions before doin it w class will help. Anyways besides that it was awesome. I forgot how much I love the smell of photo processing chemicals. I cannot wait to make a contact sheet of the film didn't have time Yesterday. Today must take a roll Of film hopefully I will witness interestingness.
Pay no mind to judgmental assholes. Do what makes you happy. Without thinking how it impacts anyone else. Especially if it is reflecting pure happiness.
I need to go to the gym. Yesterday I ran the 1 miler down town in 13 min and 12 seconds I felt like I would faint when I was finished but that is my fastest time ever.
I also need to go to apply at MCTC so I can register for one of my fall classes.
And then new hairs!
And need to figure out what to get friend for her graduation. hmmm
i am at a bar with my family watching a UFC fight and i am finally updating Lj instead of watching any of that. No doubt the rest of the bar patrons are looking at my strangely.."Why doesnt she just go home?" yeah i am kind of stuck here until they go because i came with them.
updates: +starting new job for same employer next week. +going to my first SCA event next weekend. i have been sewing garb every spare moment. More later I hope!
umm hmm.. that's all. for now. just had to note my retarded ways.
So I am going to try to start posting again, and what better month to try than National Blog Posting Month...
Okay so the best I got so far today..
I am at my parents, my little sister came home from the weekend and we are both being lovely and lethargic all over my parents leather sofas. My Mom comes in the room with my sisters laundry. She randomly tells my Mom she exchanged the bras my Mom mailed her for a smaller cup size, we all then go into how genetics has dealt us a bad hand cup wise. My mom starts then badgering her lengthy torso and I tell her jokingly it's all your fault that my shirts are never quite long enough. She then says "It's better than having too short of arms!" Annie chimes in "like a dinosaur?" And my Mom ends the conversation with "Yes, it's better than being a dinosaur."
We went to lamenting over tiny boobies to declaring being it better than being a dinosaur in less than 2 minutes.
Yes, I do believe all have undiagnosed=untreated ADD.
So every other day or so I get someone faving this photo of mine on flickr. It's really not an amazing photo it is the quote, and it's not my art I just happened to walk by it and go "hmm pretty."
So someone just sent me this.. not really sure how to respond. Because I have never sold a print. Well except for my brother paying me to take some pictures at his wedding which i really shouldnt have let him pay me for. I like to say he bought my external flash so I could take crappy flash photos (really they were really crappy). Anyways... I am thinking free. With the quote and all. though I didn recently lose my lovely underwater camera at the rennaisance festival. so whatever she would want to pay could start going towards the new point and shoot fund. I don't know..
hey this is possibly the weirdest message you may get today but... i commented the other day on your photo of the grafitti of the Hafiz quote, asking if you took that picture....its all over tumblr and various places. i would like to know if you sell prints, or well, really. i want it for postcards for my wedding invites! what do you think? how much would you want for the rights to print it? i understand if you'd rather not at all, completely, its just i'm in england and we have crap grafitti over here! also, getting over there to snap my own photo of it.....not really going to happen! haha...
--oh and the move went well :) never thought it would happen. my new place is quiet still not quite used to quiet. its nice and big though and lots of closets. most of the boxes i have yet to unpack i was able to fit in my closets :) only thing I don't like is this place has a couple centipedes (hates them) much better than the bats and mouses the old place had.
sometime this week I will hunker down and buy a new external hard drive so I can stop avoiding pictures and flickr.
I hope you all are well and warm. Yay for fall. even when it snows :)
Feeling a little better about packing: -Most of bathroom packed -toy box packed -cd's packed -1/3 of desk -1/3 of clothes
This week i want to get: +necklaces packed.. need to work out a way not to get them all tangeled +dishes I won't be using for the next 3 weeks +rest of desk +books +dvd's +wall decor/ remaining decor in general
obviously most of this will likely happen on the weekend but the easier stuff i can work on at night. I have a feeling 3 weeks is going to go quick.
My most viewed picture on flickr by far--it seems like every other day someone new has faved it--craziness that potentially over 57,000 people have seen this picture right?
Anyways, I started out the week kind of mopey and mad but then this man who causes the strife created this big wave of happy calm. And it has settled in me the past day or so. It's nice. It's not perfect, I still am not very fond of me but I am okay with where I am at the moment. Which isn't as easy as it sounds.
Yesterday I got off work and crossed the street to catch the bus, I passed the Orpheum and saw the rush line for 'Phantom of the Opera' starting and I passed it and then walked back thinking what the hell my only plans for tonight were to run uptown and then maybe do laundry (though being that it was 95 degrees out--not as likely that I want to be running up and down 3 flights of stairs a few times). Anyways. I had never seen it before. I loved the corsets and dresses and curtains. I had a very different view of the Phantom-I thought of him being all bad ass Master like, and being some kind of seductive Marilyn Manson like twisted weird bad that you would feel sorry for Christine in the end that she chose that one guy. But nope--I was so wrong--maybe it was the guy playing him but he was so weepy and annoyingly over dramatic I seriously wanted to kick him. lol (even more funny that i might describe myself with those words at times). But other than that the night at the theatre was fun, good music, cool atmosphere. I love the theatre.
I just realized I have read 6 books this year, that is probably how many I read last year as a whole. Granted, the books this year nothing literary genius, and profound, just fun reading. But still I am getting back into the groove of things. And I have discovered reading really helps my anxiety. With kind of going kaput on the gym the past month, the reading took over it's calming effect.
Last weekend I got to spend with my secret boyfriend (lol) and his boy. We went to cup cake saturday at the mitre box (the second one I have gone to--they are so good!) And then we took on a couple play grounds and played and stopped by my parents to drop off a gift for my little sisters 19th birthday--and picked up what they brought me back from CA--I even tested my prankster skills on my sister--which was better recieved than I thought they would be.
We went back to J's place and swam--and I got to use my underwater camera! evidence: (yes that is me and my umbrella in the pool)
Lots of unmentionable fun was had.. I wish every saturday could be like that.
Sunday it rained all day, we got breakfast at The Modern. And I came back and caught up on my 365 project--i'm just barely trying--I need to give everything more effort.
Anyways. This weekend I am hoping to got to Cinco de Mayo and see a friend I havent seen in forever--and her new place (my social anxiety is through the roof--insaneness--plus I know i will taking a cab in the middle of the night back to my city and that is freaking me out even more--hopefully i will drink enough not to notice it as much<-bad). Oh and May Day Parade is Sunday! *hoping for warm sunny weather* I hope to break out my fake diana this weekend for the parade. I need to start taking more pictures.
ps. Because of the 'I dreamed a dream' lady--that song seems to slip in my head at least once a day--at first it was okay and now it is annoying.
I may be the only girl I know that doesnt own a hair dryer, so i am not sure my hair will ever look like this again. *tempted to get hair dryer* And i have said it before but i love my hair dresser there is something about him that makes life feel lovely.
My mom has stuff going on today. I am kind of worried, I hope it all turns out good.
Oh and more good news my period is nearly gone--yay! My girly bits are enjoying not being invaded by blood capturing insturaments. Yes. whoa tmi.
This is photo is from my 365 project (i am seriously going to finish this one really), the only one I have liked so far this year.
This morning I heard on the radio, that women can determine sex of their child by what they eat. Weird right? But I thought you new mommies out there might want to know. Apparently if you eat a lot of cereal and sodium, that leads to a boy. The girl I sit next to at work is due in a month or so, she is always eating cereal, she desperately wanted a girl, but she is having a boy. I don't know how true it is though, but apparently some british study was done.
Lord, I wish i had long pretty hair. If genie in bottles existed pretty long red hair is what I would wish for first, and then all those proper do gooder things. well at least one. Goodness, I am selfish.
Friday night, how I remember it, which isnt amazingly well, was me being happy, just a naturally kind of happy with myself I looked at myself and I wasn't thinking how much weight I "should" lose or what I was missing, I was just looking forward, to the next morning, to the weekend. Which is a rare thing, the person that I would say is closest to me has been telling me lately how I thrive on being miserable lately. I can see where he gets that, but I don't find that to be true, because when I am miserable I am really not living at all. which is to say I don't live much. I think maybe it is because I have taught myself keep the things that make me happy so close that sometimes I hide them from myself. I think I do this because since I was pretty young I have a history of people taking away the things that make me happy. I think that is because I let myself rely on other people so much. And without there being a lot of those people, you lose one and there is no backup. Anyhow, I am pretty sure I have hidden those things so well, I have misplaced them, and it is when I am happy that i have hope they are not lost. I hope this makes sense still without the specific details. If not it just prove, I really over think everything.
This is my first time trying to post through flickr. I hope it works, I won't find out until I get home though because flickr is really the only fun site my work lets me see.. at least there is one :)
Monday, that was me, waiting to see what was going to happen next. And now it feels like all the good that happened afterwards has been undone. I sit alone with my tongue too much, and it is so restless it just wants things out and better..
But good has come from stress. I have lost 7 lbs since whenever i weighed myself at my parents last weekend. It certainly doesnt hurt me to lose weight and it is nice when it happens just nothing seems to make my mouth happy besides yogurt and cheese. Though I still insist on feeding it coffee everyday and trying to wean it back to liking the awful things that make me big like I am. but my mouth isnt as thrilled like it once was so I think I am going to try tea tomorrow. I don't think I have truely had a tea phase since my first year of college.
This weekend I am in the cities. (yay) Lately I have been going homebecause my parents ask and I can't say no. because i am retarded but it is always more relaxing in minneapolis, I just miss the seeing country, and fields and trees and how it feels safe there.
I have serious big things to buy this weekend including a printer a dvd player and perhaps an eisel. even though i think most of my class painting will be at school but we can do extra credit projects, and it would be cool to get her input. I checked out my instructors site and her work is awesome she make collages out of mainly magazines. but magaines that are shreded down and have resin over them and really have the appearance of agagts in a way, I wish i had gone to her show last weekend, they remind me of gustav klimts little circles up close.
Yesterday my plan was to do the bike ride thing but then it got hot, and I decided to just about nothing instead. Except I did play around with my camera, and a mask I got that Renaissance Festival.
Not feeling great today allergies leaves my throat all icky for the past couple of weeks the taste is off and my jaw is all tense and i couldnt think of why that was until now. *lol* dirty.
ooh and i am hoping to journal more via flickr 365 and just my own little journal. and hopefully that means it will happen here too.
I can't wait for work to be done for the day. oh has anyone here been to east cedar beach aka hidden beach? do they really have a mud pit?
So a few odd things I have witnessed this weekend, that I don't recall noticing but maybe with all the news of the RNC being in town my sensors for police behavior is up. Friday night around midnight (maybe closer to 11:30) there were squad cars surrounding a building one building down from being kiddie-corner Orchestra Hall (i think it is behind the Hilton) blocking parking ramps and all that.
And then today I was on the corner of LaSalle and Franklin and happen to look over at the traffic coming down the street and there were two cops in a white unmarked mini van. Maybe all the borrowed policeman didnt come with cars? Or maybe they are in unmarked vehicles for a reason--anyhow when i noticed this I turned around and on the back of the car were the numbers "81".. it's curious observation is all.
